I am that person

I am a metal head.

I AM THE ONE PERCENT.

I am the person who everyone thinks is a freak.

I am the person who everyone thinks worships the devil.

But I can assure you that's only partially true. He's just a good friend of mine.

I am the person who can't turn his head more than 45 degrees the day after a concert.

I am the person who cannot speak at all for days after the same concert.

I am the person who accidentally drives 65 on a 45 because his metal is so loud.

I am the person who finds metal to be real talent, because I'd like to see you scream like the black dahlia murder.

I am the person who will DIE for metal.

I am the person who thinks rappers are pussies because they can't play instruments that they don't download.

I am the person who is in a band that tries to make the most metal songs in the world.

But they can't get a damn singer.

I am a metal head.


And I am DAMN PROUD OF IT.

Thoughts.

I'm thinking about things. Things about us.

How much you mean to me.

And how you say you love me too.

I can't really decide what that means.

You just confuse me. And all I can think about is you and the way you kissed me that night.

The way it made me feel.

It made me feel like I had meaning.

Like the way Thomas Edison felt when he got his first working light bulb.

I'm the lightbulb.

You kiss me and it flicks the switch.

The buzz of electricity through my veins.

The light going through me.

I immediately lit up and felt so...

So....

Electrified....

Please kiss me again.

So that I can feel like a light bulb.

I am thinking of that, of you, like Thomas Edison thinks about light bulbs.

I just ruined it all. Again. (Fears)

So I'm supposed to talk about my fears.

And I regret to say, amongst other things, that I am afraid of you.

I'm afraid of what you think of me. Which I know is bad.

I'm afraid that what I just barely said to you RUINED every tiny little shred of hope I had of getting you back. And I want you to know that I didn't mean what I said. You told me that I lied to you when you asked me what was wrong.

I said nothing, because I didn't want you thinking of me as a fool who won't get over you.

Because that's what I am.

A fool.

When you said I lied to you, the improper response was to say "yes, but you lied to me."

I know you did.... But...truth is, that won't get me anywhere but backward. The opposite direction in which I'd like to move with you.

I love you. And I FEAR that when I said that, I KNEW that you hated me the second it came out.

I apologized instantly.

Several times.

And you asked me to leave you alone. Just for today.

But when you say that, it means much more than that. It carries another message that punctures the bottom of my heart with each stab.

I hate you.

I hate you so much.

I will never.

Love.

You.

AGAIN.

I fear that when you stabbed me like that, from the bottom of my heart, that's where I kept all my love and hope.

Now I feel that I will never love anyone but you.

You took that poisonous feeling of joy and love from my heart and swallowed it from a silver goblet.

Like a sickening ritual.

And now, even in the holiest place on earth, I can't feel joy. I just think of you.

And what you did to me.

And what I did to you.

...

At the beginning, you told me you would ruin my life. As a warning.

I ignored the warning, because I thought you were too beautiful to do that.


I fear, my love, that I was wrong.

You ruined it, not in a bad way. You ruined my ability to love anyone else. You did that with your striking gorgeousness.

And I fear that it doesn't matter to you.


And that If you we're to ever read this, you'd just want to hit me.

But secretly I want you to hit me.

It would be physical contact.

That's all I want.

I want one of the sickening love stories where they go through the worst fights, and just end up cuddling and crying together.

Instead, we're crying separately. Apart. And a part of you stole a part of my heart. My God it hurts so bad.


I wish you didn't leave me.

And now I'll never get you back.

And that is my greatest fear.

Friends.

Tonight, I asked for you back. I told you how much I really loved you. I said how I thought you were the prettiest girl on the planet. And that I wish I could have kept you.

AND IT WAS ALL IN VAIN.

You brushed the topic off like it was nothing. I apologized for saying I need you, and all you say is that it's okay, with a friendly smile.

You don't realize what I NEED TO HEAR YOU SAY.

I need you to say you love me too.
And that you want me just the same.

Today we threw coins into a fountain at the mall.

I couldn't tell you what my wish was, for it will never come true if I do.

But when you tossed yours into the water, I kind of hoped you'd wished for me.

I said you've probably moved on by now, and all you say is you haven't. Because I'm a great friend.

Now don't get me wrong, my love, I appreciate the praise, but it hurts my heart to hear you call me nothing but a friend.

I love being your friend. But the way you taunt me with your amazing body and personality, and how you let me carry you on my back, makes me feel ecstatic.

For a second...

Cause then I realize that you don't see that the way I do.

And it's like that part in toy story 2.

Where woody feels forgotten, and falls backwards into the dark hole of the trash can, and ends up with the rest of andy's broken toys.

That's how I feel when you say we're friends.

Like the rest of your broken toys.

Never received.

You'll probably never get this, because your ability to receive this message has been terminated for the night.

But I love you. I love you so much, and the more I think about it, the more it hurts my heart. I want you back more than anything else.

When you said that sometimes change is good... Though it may not have been directed to me, I intercepted the message. And I took it. And I thought about it, and realized that if you were to move on, i'd be lost.

But I guess I already am.

I'm lost in you.

In your beautiful blue eyes.

And I'd do anything to have you back.

How I feel: in EXACTNESS.

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry You don't know how lovely you are I had to find you, tell you I need you Tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions Oh, let's go back to the start Running in circles, coming up tails Heads on a science apart
Nobody said it was easy It's such a shame for us to part Nobody said it was easy No one ever said it would be this hard Oh, take me back to the start
I was just guessing at numbers and figures Pulling the puzzles apart Questions of science, science and progress Do not speak as loud as my heart
But tell me you love me, come back and haunt me Oh and I rush to the start Running in circles, chasing our tails Coming back as we are
Nobody said it was easy Oh, it's such a shame for us to part Nobody said it was easy No one ever said it would be so hard I'm going back to the start

A sad letter to a More or less significant other.

Do you remember the first time we kissed? We were leaving the park, the first time we ever hung out. You said the winner has to kiss the loser. You were always better than me at HORSE. You won all but two times. Each time you scored a point, you'd kiss me. I'd pull you against me and try to make that last... Because I knew it was only a matter of time before it'd all end...

I told you this would happen. I said specifically that i don't do this love thing, because she always forgets about me. "I promise I wont forget about you. I could never forget about you," you said. You always said how much you cared about me and wanted me to be happy. But that can't happen anymore. We never got our last kiss. I thought there would be one more...

Just one more try. Can we start again?

I am still in disbelief of what happened last night, dearest.

I saw you in the hall before school. And i started to tear up. My heart got that sick burning feeling in it, again. It's not a sharp stabbing feeling. It's a warm feeling. A feeling of hatred. It burns so badly.

Did you know people can die from heartache?

I hope so.

Most of all, I hope I get another chance with you.

Love is like a fly trap.

Love. Oh ho ho hooo love, you sick greedy bastard, you.

Love is what makes the world go round. Love keeps us up, holds us, holds us, aaaand drops us back down again. And each time, it drops us lower. Why can't love be kinder to us?

Love, stop hurting me this way. You know I hate it when you hold that blade to my throat, trying to pop my flesh like a balloon with a needle. You know, that's what love is. A needle. Needles inflate the basketballs, footballs, and beach balls. Love is a needle that first fills us up with such great feelings. Oh the joy and butterflies we get from feeling loved by another.
And then.
The needle.

Betrays us.

We turn our back, let down our guard for just one second, and there's a needle in our backs, and we are deflating. Sometimes slowly, sometimes we just pop.

The second you know you've been deflated, it all gets let out. You feel that damned awful feeling of burning in your chest. Your voice hurts from screaming for air. To be filled with that glorious feeling one more time!

Please....

Just one more time....

Let me kiss you again. Let me feel your cold skin on mine as we fall into that sick abyss of sweet memories and good feelings. Let me hear you whisper that sickening arrangement of words into my ear. Tell me you love me as you lie in your hospital bed, because in reality, you don't think I'm worth it, do you? Don't lie to me.

I am sick of your lies, love!

WHY do you tell me that I can let my DAMNED guard down?! Do you ENJOY my pain?! My suffering? My Rage?! You WANT me to spit in your face from my chains?!

Because the second I let it down, you go and turn the tides and start a war inside me. This fight inside is hurting me. Again.

I hate you.
I hate you.
I swear to GOD I hate you.....

....I love you.

I can't keep going on like this.

Love is a sick, cold killer wearing a mask of happiness. Like a Venus fly trap.

Love is like a Venus fly trap.

Cold April Nights.

I wrote this back in April.. As you can see.. I thought I'd share it with you, maybe give you something to think about.

Cold April nights.


I'm roaming outside on a mid April night,
The dark shadows fighting the last bits of light.
The light fades away feeling rather contrite,
It finally realizes darkness was right.

The cold wind is blowing, it shows no remorse.
It chills my whole body, the feeling is coarse.
I'm screaming, I'm shouting, my voice is so hoarse!
The struggle it drowns me with terrible force!


It whispers its bitter-sweet lyrics of hate;
The hymn of the broken in grips of our fate.
With heart wrenching words that they give to you straight,
They rip you and pull you, but still you just wait.

You wait for redemption or something to hold,
The cold weather thrashing you, out of control.
It finally lets you, or so you were told,
To finally be happy and save your own soul.

Let me be, this I plea, oh just let me be free!
From feelings of wanting what I cannot see!
I love you, you know this, you can't disagree.
I want you. To hold you. and to love me for me.

Humans

You ask me whether I am human or not? Well, I can tell you this, I'm human every once in a while. But I can assure you I have never been a robot.
Being a human means to be original. To be your own.
To be an example.
To stand alone.
To know you're human means the world. I know I'm human because I can think... I can think and think and think... I can ponder what it must be like to be a machine. to give in to the machine.

The machine is an evil thing. The machine is the world. And evil. The machine runs in our veins, deep down. an ice cold metal. Our blood has been stained with the sins of the world. This is not meant to be any religious context, but we must free ourselves from the evils of the world. Be a human, my friend. Be your OWN person. Don't let anyone else tell you who to be. Teachers teach you to be like them, by using the style they teach you. You need to teach yourself. Be your own style. Be whatever you can to stay away from the machine. To smash that bastard into the ground.

On another note, I'm sitting here drinking my tea, pondering how else I know I'm human. Well let me tell you this:

Feel your wrist. The one with the Scars on it. The scars from past relationships, abusive parents, bad friends, and YEARS of bullying. Let me first say that a machine cannot have scars. They can have scratches, but those are mere surface damage. The scars on your wrist, those are MORE than just skin deep. There is meaning behind each and every slit. Dark feelings of sadness and woe covered up by a mere scab. If that scab is removed, the wound bleeds again. The emotions start to flow again. The pain returns to your body. Don't tell me a machine can do that! You can buff out the scratches, or remove the dents, but on a human, those may heal over time, but the emotions will ALWAYS be there! Whether they are covered by a thin layer of good times and new friends, they. Are. THERE. Now a robot, can be told to forget a piece of information, and it'll be gone as if it never existed. A computer does exactly what it is told to do, and nothing else. You are your own person, and have free agency to choose what you do. Robots do not.

Now, where I was going with this, feel your scarred wrist. Right below where your hand starts. Do you feel that? Thump.

Thump.

Thump.

That, my human friend, is a heartbeat. Computers have no heartbeat. They can display one! But they do not possess one. The constant hum of the fan is as close to a heartbeat as a computer will get.

So whenever you question your humanity, think of this.