I'm not listening!

I sit here like a child in a corner curled up in my own insecurities needing you to help me out. People telling at me, telling me they hate me, and that they are so frustrated with my choices. But still I hold your hand tighter. Because it feels so right. You'll screw it up, like you do every time, they say. You will take her away from me, they say.  

But it seems that no matter what I tell them, they just won't listen. 

I'm losing friends, I'm losing hope. But something about it just feels so perfect. And I just want to stand up in this crow of hate and scream stop to the skies and tell everyone to just leave me alone. I just want everyone to be happy like me. 

The eye of truth. And some letters.

Everything happens for a reason. 

Dearest Her: I'm sorry what we had caused all of this. I'm sorry that you aren't happy, and I hope for the best for you. I hope you become happy, and find a guy who will change you. Who will make you fall so in love with him, that you'll never even want anyone else. 

Dear him.. And him.... : I'm so sorry I've done this. I hope this doesn't mean the end.

To the lovely MindWideOpen: thank you so much for being here for me. You were the first one to suggest this to me, and told me to keep her in mind. Even though this has caused trouble, you're still our friends and love us. You are such a true friend. And you are so strong. I love you so much. Please never leave my life. 

To the girl who I had seminary with for two or three years: I'm sorry about this, too. But thank you so much for everything. For your amazing friendship, and for helping me know what's best. 

To my rescuer: this is the dawn of a new era. And I cannot wait to take the first step in our adventure. This feels so right, spiritually. Thank you for being so good to me after what she did to me. You told me at first that if I ever hurt her you'd be on my case, but the tables turned, and she hurt me. And you were still here. You watched me hurt myself over and over trying to get her to love me. And you stayed here for me. Thank you so much for caring, and for holding my hand while we walk this dark, twisted, and crooked path we call life. And thank you for bringing me back to life. Thank you for holding X. 

Finally

For once I want to be happy without you. and for once, I finally can be. And I'm going to throw myself out this open window of your prison while it's still open, because when I fall to the bottom, there's someone special here to catch me. To save me from falling again. 

Icons.

I just want you to be happy. Because I can see the sad glossed eyes behind that plastered mask you hide your emotions behind. 

The perfect end to a perfect night.

I don't know what to say about it. The times we've spent staring at that purple light just talking and kissing feel like eternity. And it feels like Its been an eternity since I've held you. And spending this Friday with you has been absolutely amazing. But he was right. He was right when he asked "how does it feel knowing you never pleased her?" I know he was right because I'm just pathetic and never got better. Never got good enough. Especially tonight. It almost felt like our first time again. Except you didn't love me. 

I'm not very good at this.

This whole "making you happy" thing. There was a time when I could make you happy, but those days are gone with the wind. It's not the way you think. I don't have feelings for her, even though you can read me like a book, and my words tell you I do. I have feelings for you. And tomorrow I really hope I can kiss you. As much as it will hurt, it will save me. 

And right now I need saving. 

Smiles in the dark

I wonder if you even smile when I tell you you're attractive. 

But it's too dark to see your smile,

And I've adjusted to it. 

Dream Theater.

You probably rolled your big beautiful eyes when you read that title. 

But this one isn't about them. 

It's about my dreams. 

...

I really like to sleep, for other reasons than most teenagers. Not just because I like being unconscious and not having to do work, but because I get to escape my reality and live in another. 

In a place where the smoke has cleared and the tinted mirrors have been shattered. 

Where I can feel this again. 

A place where I'm happy outside of being in your arms. 

A place I thought didn't exist until I met that girl in room 4104. 

There's something about the number 4. 

Your apartment number. 

Part of her apartment number, 

The amout of times every second I think of you. 

Breaks

You know, you breaking my heart and leaving me was a good lesson, and I've learned it. So can we try again? Cause I'm really needing you right now. 

10,000 days

It's been a couple days since we talked. I know you've been out having fun. I just hope I crossed your mind. Even just once. I'll see you in four days. Hopefully we talk before then. 

This one isn't about you, but I'd love if you read it.

You know I like you, and I always have since I first met you. And every moment I spend with you I wish we were just a bit closer. You've been here for me, you always have. Even when the girl you hated cheated on me, I figured I'd just get a "told you so," but instead you've been here to comfort me in the most miserable time of my life. You have been the best friend I could ever ask for, and we've always gotten along so well, and I've always set you aside from the rest. Even when I was with the one I'm now an emotional wreck over, I would purposefully not text her when I was with you, just because I knew you didn't like us together.. 

To the girl who's probably reading this, the one up in Logan, I'm very sorry about that, and I wish I hadn't, but I also wish you could try for me. If you loved me, we would have. 

But anyway... The other night on our date, when you held my hand, those caterpillars emerged from their cold cocoons, and were a breed of butterflies I hadn't seen since February 14th of last year when ___ told me she was single. (Her name remains anonymous by request, because I respect her)

When you held my hand, I felt like I might have gotten something out of you that I've been waiting for for a few years now. 

But maybe not. Maybe It was just because we were at a haunted house. 

Tonight wasn't supposed to be about you and I. But after we sat there for an hour or so underneath that sheet of cloth, with that oh so familiar scent of you tingling my 8 senses, It sort of became about you and I. 

When you closed your eyes and faced me, it sort of made me feel happy again for the first time in a while. 

For the first time since the last woman who made me sad told me that she loved me for the last time. 

Your endless blue eyes were what made me fall over, and they almost made me fall all over again.  

But how unrealistic. And how badly timed.  Maybe some day. 

She liked my haircut

She liked my haircut, everyone! Does that mean she loves me? Does her wanting to Kiss me, and saying she hasn't moved on mean there's hope? She likes my haircut, that must mean she wants to have sex again, right? 

In a perfect world. 

To the love of my life

And all the wonderful poems and lyrics you will ever create. Love, 

I don't even know anymore. 

I read those words every single night with the hope that some day you'll want me again.. Like you wanted your last boyfriend even after you broke up several times. 

I have so much to say after what happened tonight. and if you read this, please tell me when you do. I mean it. 

Tonight after telling me you didn't want to lead me on, it hit me like a sack of bricks. "She really does only like me as a friend." Is what I thought. And right there on that freezing park bench, I was fighting for my life to hold back tears, and swallow my emotions. I didn't want to cry in front of you and my friends. 

I don't want to be the center of attention. 

But in the car.... When you grabbed my hand and held it.....

I knew that you really did care about me. 

You asked me how I'd tried to move on, and I told you about the girl I did things with two nights ago. 

You asked me who it was.. And I could tell you cared. 

No matter who it was, I wish it would have been you. 

...

The resistance it took for me not to kiss you was beyond that of human comprehension. When I ran my bony sad fingers across your olive colored soft skin, I was dying inside. Trying to hold back the Incredible Hulk is what I felt like, trying to not put my hands behind your neck and pull you in and kiss you. 

And I wanted to get in the back of the car and "try something new" one more time. 

"Blue sky, I will meet you in the end,"

When I said that to you, I looked at you and half smiled. And I thought I saw a small bit of tear forming up....

Again... If you read this, please. Text me and tell me if you were holding back tears, just as I was, less successfully. 

Also... I really wish you hadn't worn those leggings with the long socks and the boots. You know that's my biggest turn on. 

It made it all the harder not to just get on top of you and kiss you  

But maybe when you come down for fall break... You will let me kiss you.. And feel you again. 

You said we would talk about it tomorrow. 

And that is why I won't sleep tonight. 

The nights feel like weeks. 

Just please tell me if you read this. 

Tell me if this sad desperate message in a bottle reaches your ugly island of Logan, Utah. 

Conference.

I drove about 100 miles to see you at 2 in the morning, and I got to sit close to you.. And almost got to cuddle you. And hold you again. 

When you took off your socks it just reminded me of how much I loved your feet. 

I hate feet. 

But there's something about yours that just makes me forget that. 

And when you hugged me goodnight before going upstairs, I realized something so sad. 

That you are the only person who has given me a good hug since you left me. 

Which is sad, because it's not a hug of sympathy. 

It's not a hug of comfort. 

It's a cold embrace from the one thing that tore down my wall. 

A cold embrace I loved so so much. 

That made it hard for me not to kiss you. 

Personality.

So I took a personality test, and these are my results.. And it's exactly how I feel with you right now. 

"You are a generous and moral person. You always work on self improvement. You are very ambitious and have very high standards. People might think communicating with you is difficult, but for you, it isn't easy to be who you are. You work very hard but you aren't in the least bit selfish. You work because you want to improve the world. You have a great capacity to love people until they hurt you. But even after they do... You keep loving. Very few people can appreciate everything you do as well as you deserve."

Belief.

I can't believe you still read this bullshit. 

The images in my head of the things I think are going on are images of pure terror. 

Some worse than some of my t shirts.

And as I lay here looking at the ceiling, counting the lights over and over, I know there will never be more than eight. 

Two of the lights are out. 

And it kind of reminds me of us. 

But then again, everything reminds me of us. 

I can be watching an IHOP advertisement and think 

"Wow. Last time I ate at IHOP, she still loved me. And I was just waiting to kiss you when you got home."

I wish we hadn't done what we did... Because that's why I'm so attached to you. 

I don't regret it. 

I just wish it meant as much to you as it did to me. 

Just jump.

I'm going to do it. I'm going to try. And if I fail, I'll never try again Until you let me.