Lazy

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You are my sunshine

My only sunshine

You make me happy

No matter what the color of the sky. 

You'll never know dear, how much I love you

Please don't take my sunshine away. 

Please God. Let me keep this sunshine in my life. I can't take many more rainy days. Because I didn't save my wishes for rainy days. 

Eleven Eleven

Make a wish. 

The Wall

That movie still makes me depressed as hell every time I watch it. 

The happiest days of our lives.

I want to be a kid again. 

I want to be able to create an entire movie with just the things in my bedroom, and two action figures. 

I want to be able to use my bed as the edge of a never ending pit of doom, rather than the only place I can feel somewhat safe from my misery. 

I want to have to worry about my best friend not being able to play today, instead of worrying about my best friend killing themself. 

I want to go down the slide and use it as the safe zone in freeze tag, instead of using my head as a safe zone from the war inside my chest.

I want to pull the trigger of a pellet gun, rather than resist pulling the trigger on the real one. 

I want to worry about what shirt I'll wear to school instead of what mask I'll wear to hang out in the basement of my friends' house. 

I want to be creative again. I want to write novels, not suicide letters. 

I want to smile at cute girls, not my ex girlfriend. 

But I have to. Or I'll seem weak. 

I want to draw on lined paper again, not the inside of my arm. 

I want to like pizza again. 

I want to stop worrying about getting that pretty girl to like me. 

I don't want to be the only sad one out of all my happy friends in their relationships. 

I don't want to be a seventh wheel anymore. 

I want someone to watch the movie with. 

I want to watch toy story in my basement again. 

And not watch the insides of my eyelids as I make decisions I'll regret in my basement. 

I want to worry about what game I'll play at recess, rather than the game I'm playing with this beautiful woman. 

I want to worry about what I'm having for lunch, instead of whether or not I'm getting into heaven. 

I want this feeling in my stomach to be from eating too much junk food instead of loneliness punching me right in the gut. 

I want to love someone who will love me. Is that so hard to ask for? Someone who cares? 

Some day

Some day, that little eight year old girl you pushed up the stairs to her room will not wake up. And you'll wonder why. 

Simply complicated

And unmistakably beautiful. If only my poetry could save me this time. 

I like you a lot. And I'm having a hard time not kissing you over the phone or something stupid, cause I haven't even seen you in person in about a week. 

You Are Not Alone.

Oh.. It's you...

Parties are fun, until your heart drops into your stomach. Until the one human you can't be around stares you in the eye and tears apart the very fabric of your being, making you feel worthless once again. 

No one likes different. No one likes different a lot.

I'm here and I'm with all my friends

But their backs are turned to me. 

So I dance away the pain of being the odd number. 

Wishing I was just looking at your eyes. 

Wishing i was no one. 

Miracles.

It'll take a miracle to get through this barrier I face. This wall that has become between you and I. I can see you standing on the other side, and I wonder if you even see me over here. 

I wish I knew what my brain was telling me. I wish I was as happy as all of you. 

You are a puzzle I would love to solve.

An enigma I would love to understand.  

What's wrong?

Let me save you some time and suggest that you ask me what's right. 

How can you save someone else, if you can't even save yourself? 

This has no title

I lay my head down every night into a puddle of lavender. It helps me stay unconscious through all the nightmares of you. 

ADD.

Some dreams do come true. Unfortunately, so do nightmares. 

I had a nightmare that I saw nothing but skin as I tried to look into your eyes that were no longer there. 

I was terrified that you no longer wanted to speak with me. 

That nightmare came true. 

I had a nightmare that you never answered your phone when I called. 

That nightmare came true. 

I had a nightmare that- I can't remember where I was going with that. How can I get diagnosed with ADD? 

Because for as long as I can remember, which is about a year, 

The filing cabinet where I store my attention span has been replaced by a nightstand with one drawer, and a lamp that doesn't work sitting upon it.

I lost you because my attention span lasts as long as a life does from the second the trigger is pulled. 

I lost you because every time you would tell me a story, I would lose my train of thought, and it'd be long gone before I could jump back on. 

So all I can do is lie here with my ADD-infested skull on the tracks for the train of thought and wait for the next one. 

Until then, I find ways to beg for your attention, because what I told you was that 

It was fine. 

I am not sad. 

We try time and time again to get the attention of them, whether we cut our wrists, paint their Inbox the same color as our feelings, or act like a miserable sh*t. 

You tell them you are alright, and you just want them to be happy. 

But if their happiness means your suicidal thoughts, 

Is it worth it?  

Is the color of my eyes not the right color for you? 

Is the circumference of my arm not a large enough number for you? 

Is the gap between my teeth due to my negligence to wear my retainer the reason for your negligence to give a damn about me?  

Is the speed I reply to your texts too fast? Do I come off as desperate to you because I get so excited when I see your name appear on the screen of my phone?

Should I stop asking you to hang out, because it seems like you're running out of excuses to not hang out with me. 

Stop is red, but so is the blood, and THAT red WONT stop! 

Green are your eyes, but this light won't change from red to green, 

Because the red is too busy not stopping, and the green just won't look me in the eye,

And the yellow. 

The light will never turn from green to yellow, because yellow is the brightest and happiest color of them all. You can look at any painting, and you'll know instantly whether or not yellow is in it. You can always see the little yellow sun in the corner of each child's drawing, because their traffic light is still fully functional. 

They can still tell the difference between the red and the green, and they can still let their minds breathe. 

Oh, how I envy the children, and their abilities to love, just because they simply don't know. 

Because they can color a page, and not have to question why. 

They can tell someone they love them, and they won't question why. 

But They can watch their big brother take his life, and they will question:

Why. 

Why would big brother take his own life? He promised he would help me color the sun in the corner today. 

But the color of the sun is not red, and it is not white. 

It is yellow, and it means happiness. 

Big brother did not know the color yellow. 

Big brother only saw red. 

I could hand him a yellow crayon, and to him, it would read red. 

Stop. 

 Wake up. 

It was just a nightmare. All we can do it hope it stays that way.