ADD.

Some dreams do come true. Unfortunately, so do nightmares. 

I had a nightmare that I saw nothing but skin as I tried to look into your eyes that were no longer there. 

I was terrified that you no longer wanted to speak with me. 

That nightmare came true. 

I had a nightmare that you never answered your phone when I called. 

That nightmare came true. 

I had a nightmare that- I can't remember where I was going with that. How can I get diagnosed with ADD? 

Because for as long as I can remember, which is about a year, 

The filing cabinet where I store my attention span has been replaced by a nightstand with one drawer, and a lamp that doesn't work sitting upon it.

I lost you because my attention span lasts as long as a life does from the second the trigger is pulled. 

I lost you because every time you would tell me a story, I would lose my train of thought, and it'd be long gone before I could jump back on. 

So all I can do is lie here with my ADD-infested skull on the tracks for the train of thought and wait for the next one. 

Until then, I find ways to beg for your attention, because what I told you was that 

It was fine. 

I am not sad. 

We try time and time again to get the attention of them, whether we cut our wrists, paint their Inbox the same color as our feelings, or act like a miserable sh*t. 

You tell them you are alright, and you just want them to be happy. 

But if their happiness means your suicidal thoughts, 

Is it worth it?  

Is the color of my eyes not the right color for you? 

Is the circumference of my arm not a large enough number for you? 

Is the gap between my teeth due to my negligence to wear my retainer the reason for your negligence to give a damn about me?  

Is the speed I reply to your texts too fast? Do I come off as desperate to you because I get so excited when I see your name appear on the screen of my phone?

Should I stop asking you to hang out, because it seems like you're running out of excuses to not hang out with me. 

Stop is red, but so is the blood, and THAT red WONT stop! 

Green are your eyes, but this light won't change from red to green, 

Because the red is too busy not stopping, and the green just won't look me in the eye,

And the yellow. 

The light will never turn from green to yellow, because yellow is the brightest and happiest color of them all. You can look at any painting, and you'll know instantly whether or not yellow is in it. You can always see the little yellow sun in the corner of each child's drawing, because their traffic light is still fully functional. 

They can still tell the difference between the red and the green, and they can still let their minds breathe. 

Oh, how I envy the children, and their abilities to love, just because they simply don't know. 

Because they can color a page, and not have to question why. 

They can tell someone they love them, and they won't question why. 

But They can watch their big brother take his life, and they will question:

Why. 

Why would big brother take his own life? He promised he would help me color the sun in the corner today. 

But the color of the sun is not red, and it is not white. 

It is yellow, and it means happiness. 

Big brother did not know the color yellow. 

Big brother only saw red. 

I could hand him a yellow crayon, and to him, it would read red. 

Stop. 

 Wake up. 

It was just a nightmare. All we can do it hope it stays that way.