I wonder if Alcoholics Anonymous would let me go through the 12 step suite to help me get over this 

I need new friends.

I feel like I can't say a single word I need to, and that nothing I say is my own. I just want to be heard, and I just want to be listened to. 

I hung my head

I pray for forgiveness, for soon I'll be dead. 

I hung my head. 

I hung my head. 

I hung my head. 

2013 - Another letter you'll never read.

January - I see you standing there, so close, yet so far away, being warmed by another, who would soon leave for war. And I knew your love for me was just not in the cards. 

But a boy can dream. 

February - today is the fourteenth, the day run by love, the saddest day of the year. Joel once said that valentines day was a holiday made up by card companies. It's a pathetic holiday. Anyway, today you told me that you were alone of this day, and I think I like you. You know how much I've always cared about you. 

March- I can't believe I kissed you last night. I haven't wen this happy since the first time I gave up my heart. There isn't anyone I'd rather spend my nights with. And now, today is the 21st, and today I will ask you to be my girlfriend. You said yes! And I am the happiest man on earth. 

June-July - you have made me so happy, and told me that you love me, and you tell me every single day. So I think it's time I let my gates down for you. 

If only you could hear how I talked about you. "She is the most beautiful girl I have ever met." 

"She is the best girlfriend a guy could ask for. And I'm so glad to call her mine."

I tell my friends how lucky I am to have you. I love you. 

August - we had the best summer of our lives. Laying down together until the early hours of the morning, just taking into the night. But summer is over now, and you're going to school on the 15th. 

I'm a bit scared though Zan, you keep getting mad at me, but you say we can try to make it work while you're gone. So I just keep telling myself it will be okay. She's just stressed for school.

 Today's the 15th. I helped you pack up for school, and I kissed you goodbye as you got in your car and begun your journey to a new life. I really hope this works out. I love you. 

Today is the 28th. You tell me I need to get Skype, so I can see your beautiful face every night. But it turns out that just wasn't enough. I clearly don't have good listening skills, like you said, because even now I don't understand why you left me. 

You didn't tell me this, but you kissed another boy a couple days ago. I'm a bit sad, and a little confused, but I forgive you! I still love you! I'm not gonna give up on this perfect girl. 

September- it's been a cold month without you here. You've kissed a lot of boys and my friend tells me that's helped you get to know who you are. I haven't heard a lot from you, but I still text you every morning, and I call you every night just hoping you'll change your mind. 

Tonight I drove up to see you at 2:00 in the morning. It was worth every penny, and you even gave me a hug. That was the first time I'd been happy since you smashed my gates....

But you told me you couldn't lead me on anymore, and at that moment, I think everyone could watch and see the exact moment my heart snapped in two pieces. I know you could, and it hasn't been the same ever since. I look inside your big green eyes and a bit of me dies. 

October - I sit and wait, resisting that ugly blade, waiting for you to come down, so we can have that date you promised me. You know, that one where we made meaningless love on that sinful rug just like we used to. And as I'd feel you, I knew it wasn't as real as it had been in May. When your smile and those eyes just seemed so happy to be mine. 

But I would sell my soul to you. 

November was a month where you didn't say a word. A month of regret, nightmares and false smiles I covered up with a lie, and wishes for February all over again. 

December you're now engaged to a man you don't even know. And you have no fucking idea how broken I am when I hear your name. 

I got one text from you today, three words, not the one's I'd hoped for, but a few that I needed. 

I see you standing there, so close yet so far away, being warmed by another. And I knew your love for me was just not in the cards. 

But a boy can dream. 

I hate being depressed. People gather around spewing sympathy. Spare me. 

Hope

I belong on the island of misfit toys. I'm too broken to be played with anymore, and just like that toy car or that ship you probably broke too, you left me on the shelf. I can only hope that this mistletoe and those lights can put me back together again so I can forget about you, and stop writing these blank letters that nobody reads anymore. 

Deleting

I'm sorry, red. I'm sorry this broken heart wasn't enough for you. I'm sorry that I couldn't make you happy. I'm sorry I couldn't convert you to outbacks or watch a walk to remember with you, or analyze octavarium. Cause I was lookin forward to it. 

But I'd like you to be happy, and I'd like I thank you for making me happy. 

See what I did there? That was for you.

I've never had a poem written about me before. But now that I have, it sucks. 

Having a poem written about you is kinda like getting your name pulled out of the jar of tributes. 

You're fucked. 

My texts can only be 300 characters

So this one's for you, Red. 

I know that it seems like we've come to a point in the maze where we've hit a dead end, and I've broken down and given up, but please don't sit on the ground with me. Because I was just about to get up. 

I need some way to get through to you. Some way to tell you I miss that solo during kiss me. That's our song. And I had my best first kiss to it. 

Please look past my past, and look towards our future. It looks a lot more relevant than the past, doesn't it? Because we can still change the future. And I'm gonna need your help. 

Just please smile for me. Because I want nothing more than for you to be happy. And if I can't do that, I'll be Damned. 

I just need to tell you... You mean eternity to me. And I don't want to have to have lost my friends for nothing. 

You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. 

And I've never used those words in a poem before.  

What's the point in wearing that shirt she loves to impress her, if this jacket just covers it up? 

A sequel.

I'm writing you this poem because you always told me I didn't write enough poetry for you. Well here we are. In writing to you, because you said you'd always read it. But I look out into the crowd, and I don't see your stupid face anywhere. I can't see your face anywhere but my nightmares, and when I close my eyes. So this is just another letter never sent. 

I always wondered why you always made me promise not to hurt myself. 

It's because you did it all for me. 

And I'm sorry for befriending all of your friends. Because really, they're the reason I can't get you out of my fucking mind. 

PS, I hope you have a good Christmas. 

To an old friend

This ones for you. You ruined my life. It was hard not to snap your pathetic neck tonight. I hate you. Thank you for helping me finally realize it. 

The sickness.

These pills are but a mask. And in three hours I feel the reality of my mistakes. So I pop another three and lay my head down on your lap, pretending it doesn't kill me. I slowly think myself to sleep, covering this pain up with all the essential oils I need. Thinking about how I can't wait for the end. Just to see how it all ends up. Whose floor we all end up dead on. 

I lay here crippled under my sorrows, and pull you closer. I want to kiss you, but I'm sick. Help me. 

You.

There's something special about you. About the way you make me feel. About what you do to me. You bring out a side I thought I had lost. A side I've missed so much. And I love it. 

I love how you're a sucker for cute things. How you jump at the sight of a baby or a cute couple brings me back to life inside. Colors a bit of my painting. Grows a smile on the outside. And it makes me happy for our future. 

And that's kind of all I wanted to say. 

An eternity in an olive nightmare.

When you stand up and open the windows to a new reality, you realize what's been right in front of you is what will save you from what you thought was an eternity in hell. I still need that extra pull, because for some reason I'm still stuck under her spell. The Latin phrases uttered in sheer terror bound me to her miserable body for an eternity. I need to break this curse and I need to be happy. I need this vinyl record to stop scratching on the blanks, and I need to flip it over, and start side two. I need her to be happy. But I need me to be happy. And I need you to be happy. I wish I could do all three. I'm happy, you're happy, but she is not. And she never will be unless she can break her own spell, take off her own mask, and break her wand. I just need you to stand in the way, so I can no longer see her. I need you to kiss me and pull me from this eternity in hell. 

I'm not listening!

I sit here like a child in a corner curled up in my own insecurities needing you to help me out. People telling at me, telling me they hate me, and that they are so frustrated with my choices. But still I hold your hand tighter. Because it feels so right. You'll screw it up, like you do every time, they say. You will take her away from me, they say.  

But it seems that no matter what I tell them, they just won't listen. 

I'm losing friends, I'm losing hope. But something about it just feels so perfect. And I just want to stand up in this crow of hate and scream stop to the skies and tell everyone to just leave me alone. I just want everyone to be happy like me. 

The eye of truth. And some letters.

Everything happens for a reason. 

Dearest Her: I'm sorry what we had caused all of this. I'm sorry that you aren't happy, and I hope for the best for you. I hope you become happy, and find a guy who will change you. Who will make you fall so in love with him, that you'll never even want anyone else. 

Dear him.. And him.... : I'm so sorry I've done this. I hope this doesn't mean the end.

To the lovely MindWideOpen: thank you so much for being here for me. You were the first one to suggest this to me, and told me to keep her in mind. Even though this has caused trouble, you're still our friends and love us. You are such a true friend. And you are so strong. I love you so much. Please never leave my life. 

To the girl who I had seminary with for two or three years: I'm sorry about this, too. But thank you so much for everything. For your amazing friendship, and for helping me know what's best. 

To my rescuer: this is the dawn of a new era. And I cannot wait to take the first step in our adventure. This feels so right, spiritually. Thank you for being so good to me after what she did to me. You told me at first that if I ever hurt her you'd be on my case, but the tables turned, and she hurt me. And you were still here. You watched me hurt myself over and over trying to get her to love me. And you stayed here for me. Thank you so much for caring, and for holding my hand while we walk this dark, twisted, and crooked path we call life. And thank you for bringing me back to life. Thank you for holding X. 

Finally

For once I want to be happy without you. and for once, I finally can be. And I'm going to throw myself out this open window of your prison while it's still open, because when I fall to the bottom, there's someone special here to catch me. To save me from falling again. 

Icons.

I just want you to be happy. Because I can see the sad glossed eyes behind that plastered mask you hide your emotions behind. 

The perfect end to a perfect night.

I don't know what to say about it. The times we've spent staring at that purple light just talking and kissing feel like eternity. And it feels like Its been an eternity since I've held you. And spending this Friday with you has been absolutely amazing. But he was right. He was right when he asked "how does it feel knowing you never pleased her?" I know he was right because I'm just pathetic and never got better. Never got good enough. Especially tonight. It almost felt like our first time again. Except you didn't love me. 

I'm not very good at this.

This whole "making you happy" thing. There was a time when I could make you happy, but those days are gone with the wind. It's not the way you think. I don't have feelings for her, even though you can read me like a book, and my words tell you I do. I have feelings for you. And tomorrow I really hope I can kiss you. As much as it will hurt, it will save me. 

And right now I need saving. 

Smiles in the dark

I wonder if you even smile when I tell you you're attractive. 

But it's too dark to see your smile,

And I've adjusted to it. 

Dream Theater.

You probably rolled your big beautiful eyes when you read that title. 

But this one isn't about them. 

It's about my dreams. 

...

I really like to sleep, for other reasons than most teenagers. Not just because I like being unconscious and not having to do work, but because I get to escape my reality and live in another. 

In a place where the smoke has cleared and the tinted mirrors have been shattered. 

Where I can feel this again. 

A place where I'm happy outside of being in your arms. 

A place I thought didn't exist until I met that girl in room 4104. 

There's something about the number 4. 

Your apartment number. 

Part of her apartment number, 

The amout of times every second I think of you. 

Breaks

You know, you breaking my heart and leaving me was a good lesson, and I've learned it. So can we try again? Cause I'm really needing you right now. 

10,000 days

It's been a couple days since we talked. I know you've been out having fun. I just hope I crossed your mind. Even just once. I'll see you in four days. Hopefully we talk before then. 

This one isn't about you, but I'd love if you read it.

You know I like you, and I always have since I first met you. And every moment I spend with you I wish we were just a bit closer. You've been here for me, you always have. Even when the girl you hated cheated on me, I figured I'd just get a "told you so," but instead you've been here to comfort me in the most miserable time of my life. You have been the best friend I could ever ask for, and we've always gotten along so well, and I've always set you aside from the rest. Even when I was with the one I'm now an emotional wreck over, I would purposefully not text her when I was with you, just because I knew you didn't like us together.. 

To the girl who's probably reading this, the one up in Logan, I'm very sorry about that, and I wish I hadn't, but I also wish you could try for me. If you loved me, we would have. 

But anyway... The other night on our date, when you held my hand, those caterpillars emerged from their cold cocoons, and were a breed of butterflies I hadn't seen since February 14th of last year when ___ told me she was single. (Her name remains anonymous by request, because I respect her)

When you held my hand, I felt like I might have gotten something out of you that I've been waiting for for a few years now. 

But maybe not. Maybe It was just because we were at a haunted house. 

Tonight wasn't supposed to be about you and I. But after we sat there for an hour or so underneath that sheet of cloth, with that oh so familiar scent of you tingling my 8 senses, It sort of became about you and I. 

When you closed your eyes and faced me, it sort of made me feel happy again for the first time in a while. 

For the first time since the last woman who made me sad told me that she loved me for the last time. 

Your endless blue eyes were what made me fall over, and they almost made me fall all over again.  

But how unrealistic. And how badly timed.  Maybe some day. 

She liked my haircut

She liked my haircut, everyone! Does that mean she loves me? Does her wanting to Kiss me, and saying she hasn't moved on mean there's hope? She likes my haircut, that must mean she wants to have sex again, right? 

In a perfect world. 

To the love of my life

And all the wonderful poems and lyrics you will ever create. Love, 

I don't even know anymore. 

I read those words every single night with the hope that some day you'll want me again.. Like you wanted your last boyfriend even after you broke up several times. 

I have so much to say after what happened tonight. and if you read this, please tell me when you do. I mean it. 

Tonight after telling me you didn't want to lead me on, it hit me like a sack of bricks. "She really does only like me as a friend." Is what I thought. And right there on that freezing park bench, I was fighting for my life to hold back tears, and swallow my emotions. I didn't want to cry in front of you and my friends. 

I don't want to be the center of attention. 

But in the car.... When you grabbed my hand and held it.....

I knew that you really did care about me. 

You asked me how I'd tried to move on, and I told you about the girl I did things with two nights ago. 

You asked me who it was.. And I could tell you cared. 

No matter who it was, I wish it would have been you. 

...

The resistance it took for me not to kiss you was beyond that of human comprehension. When I ran my bony sad fingers across your olive colored soft skin, I was dying inside. Trying to hold back the Incredible Hulk is what I felt like, trying to not put my hands behind your neck and pull you in and kiss you. 

And I wanted to get in the back of the car and "try something new" one more time. 

"Blue sky, I will meet you in the end,"

When I said that to you, I looked at you and half smiled. And I thought I saw a small bit of tear forming up....

Again... If you read this, please. Text me and tell me if you were holding back tears, just as I was, less successfully. 

Also... I really wish you hadn't worn those leggings with the long socks and the boots. You know that's my biggest turn on. 

It made it all the harder not to just get on top of you and kiss you  

But maybe when you come down for fall break... You will let me kiss you.. And feel you again. 

You said we would talk about it tomorrow. 

And that is why I won't sleep tonight. 

The nights feel like weeks. 

Just please tell me if you read this. 

Tell me if this sad desperate message in a bottle reaches your ugly island of Logan, Utah. 

Conference.

I drove about 100 miles to see you at 2 in the morning, and I got to sit close to you.. And almost got to cuddle you. And hold you again. 

When you took off your socks it just reminded me of how much I loved your feet. 

I hate feet. 

But there's something about yours that just makes me forget that. 

And when you hugged me goodnight before going upstairs, I realized something so sad. 

That you are the only person who has given me a good hug since you left me. 

Which is sad, because it's not a hug of sympathy. 

It's not a hug of comfort. 

It's a cold embrace from the one thing that tore down my wall. 

A cold embrace I loved so so much. 

That made it hard for me not to kiss you. 

Personality.

So I took a personality test, and these are my results.. And it's exactly how I feel with you right now. 

"You are a generous and moral person. You always work on self improvement. You are very ambitious and have very high standards. People might think communicating with you is difficult, but for you, it isn't easy to be who you are. You work very hard but you aren't in the least bit selfish. You work because you want to improve the world. You have a great capacity to love people until they hurt you. But even after they do... You keep loving. Very few people can appreciate everything you do as well as you deserve."

Belief.

I can't believe you still read this bullshit. 

The images in my head of the things I think are going on are images of pure terror. 

Some worse than some of my t shirts.

And as I lay here looking at the ceiling, counting the lights over and over, I know there will never be more than eight. 

Two of the lights are out. 

And it kind of reminds me of us. 

But then again, everything reminds me of us. 

I can be watching an IHOP advertisement and think 

"Wow. Last time I ate at IHOP, she still loved me. And I was just waiting to kiss you when you got home."

I wish we hadn't done what we did... Because that's why I'm so attached to you. 

I don't regret it. 

I just wish it meant as much to you as it did to me. 

Just jump.

I'm going to do it. I'm going to try. And if I fail, I'll never try again Until you let me. 

The telephone.

Last night was hard for me. 

I almost ended my life because of you. 

But I'm glad I didn't. Because that phone call you gave me made me feel like you do care. 

Even though you love this new guy, and you're going camping with him this weekend, I feel like you care about me. 

It's in a way that I don't want, because I want you to love me and care about me, but seeing as that isn't an option.. I'll just deal with what I've got. 

It's just that crippling depression isn't a very good cuddler. 

I hate you so much for what you've done. What you continue to do. How you can be so blind and selfish is beyond me. And some day these scars will heal. Until then, I love you. And I hate you. 

Misunderstood.

How can I feel abandoned, even when the world surrounds me?

How can I know so many, never really knowing anyone?

Goodbye cruel world

I'm leaving here today. 

Goodbye

Good bye

Goodbye. 

Good bye all you people, there's nothing you can say

To make me change my mind. 

Goodbye. 

I'd like to thank you for reading all my bullshit about you. And I'm really sorry it has to end like this. Maybe now you'll miss me. 

Truth or dare.

The first time I've chosen dare in a long time resulted in a good night with you. One I've missed. I've missed sitting next to you and talking. I've missed that perfume you wore that drove me crazy. And I missed the few times we did kiss. I missed the rebellion. And the good times. I miss letting you use my iPod for months.  

Glad I got to relive them tonight, and stop bowing at her throne for a night. 

Just one less place.

I dreamt of you last night. 

We kissed and I held you.

 But for some reason I knew you didn't love me. 

Like you were trying to resist. 

But you let me do it just because I wanted to. 

Sad how even in my dreams you don't love me. 

Just one less place I can go to feel warm and happy again. 

Shames

It's such a shame that you don't think of me the same way. 

That you don't love me anymore. 

That these pictures are just lying on the floor under the ashes of the rest of your things. Right next to that flower you pinned on my chest. 

It's such a shame how quickly you moved on and away from me. 

As if we didn't even try. 

You promised we'd try. 

And now I'm stubbing out my cigarettes on the book you gave me what seems like an eternity ago. 

These memories are just another picture in the picture book. 

Title.

My mind has been erased.

my hands have been numbed,

and my heart has been stopped.

and you don't even know CPR.

Nobody home.

I've got a little black book with my poems in it. 

And When I'm a good dog they sometimes throw me a bone. 

I've got electric light. 

And I got second sight. 

And I've got amazing powers of observation. And that is how I know. 

When I try to get through on the telephone to you,

 there'll be nobody home. 

Ive got wide staring eyes

And Ive got a strong urge to fly

But I've got nowhere to fly to.

Oh baby, When I pick up the phone. There's still nobody home.  

Regrets

There are a lot of things I regret. Not doing it tonight is one of them. Staying out until 5:00 is another. Loving the wrong person was a big one. 

We tend to seek happiness when it is actually a choice.

And it's never really seemed to be an option for me I'm the past few weeks, but tonight I was able to release myself from your chains, and let me tell you, love, it felt fucking awesome. To feel something besides the endless pain again. 

I wish

I wish I could show you my skin. Let you feel these sad scars you engraved upon my flesh. I can't show you that though,  because that shows you that I need you.

And that's all part of your plan, isn't it. 

You want me to need you like I need this toxic oxygen, so that you can wrap your pretty fingers around my sore throat and hold on to me like a life vest. Just so you can pull my strings all you want, and I'll still be right here for you to fall on. 

I love the pain.

I love you, and I've said it a thousand times. And I'll keep saying it until you love me back. I love that pain I get when I hear you say you don't feel anything right now. It's a fucking awful pain, but it really stings the cuts nicely. A scream that let's the ghost inside me out. 

I love the way you don't show your emotions. It really fucks with my poor lunatic head, and it's better than downing a bottle of 85% alcohol. 

I love the way you tell me I was never there. It's almost as good as that rusted, stained blade dragging across my dry flesh. Almost. 

It makes my ears bleed the blood of Christ to hear you say that I didn't treat you right, when I tried my God damned hardest to be the best human being I could be.  

I love the way you tell me you won't ever want to kiss me again by the way in acting. It just makes me want to put more and more red tape over this mask, so that maybe you'll want to kiss me again. Kiss my gaping wounds. Kiss my lips and rip my heart straight out of the fucking dirt you buried it under, only to cram it back down my throat and make me suffocate with your love. 

I just want to hold you one more time in my cold naked arms. Let me cuddle you and kiss that muscle on your shoulder that turns you on, so you say. 

Let me turn you on one more time, and feel those perfect hands on my chest as you breathe heavily into my ears, sending those spine tingling chills down my back that tell me you love me. Let me get you in the dark eternal night one last time. 

Let me sin with you one more time. Let us commit that one of the seven deadly sins again. Because you made me feel alive every time your naked body touched mine. I felt complete and worth something. And I just want to feel that again. I just want to feel something. Anything but pain. 

Anything. 

Just talk to me. About him. So I can engrave every word you say into my flesh 

I have a photo album with your name on it. Pictures of us. There were only about 20, but in each picture, I am happy. And you loved me. And you called me baby. I look at them every day, just to remember us. 

Even if we change

Even if we change and we fall out of love, you're still my baby and I'm still your man. I love you with all my heart, and I wish I didn't take you for granted. I thought about it again today, that I will never find another girl as great as you. You're everything I ever wanted in a girl. But now you're gone. And I don't know what it takes for you to at least say thank you when I say you're gorgeous. 

Paris was thrown away.

I leave for one second. Let down my guard for one minute. I am happy for once in my pathetic life, and you go and throw it all away. Like it was some piece of trash that nobody wanted to have anymore. 

And here you are acting like it means nothing to me. 

Like what you did won't affect me in a few days, a few weeks, or a few lifetimes.

I am hungry for what you threw away. And now I have no hope of ever getting it back, because what you threw away is now contaminated and unusable like every piece of trash in that sad cold tin can I call my heart. 

I thought you cared. I thought you cared about me. But I was wrong, oh was I wrong. You did this to me without it even crossing your mind that you would leave me scarred and broken like my right wrist after having supported too much weight. 

Oh how I wish that someday you would make it up to me, to want what we had again, for it to be not replaceable. I just want you to care again. Please. Do it for me. 

Just another day in hell.

I don't have any words to say from these zipped lips. Only that I love you. And today was just another day in hell, a place where you don't love me, and where I'm not enough. 

A last(?) goodbye.

I really hope that wasn't the last goodbye we ever say to each other. Though that goodbye hug was phenomenal, and made me feel like I mean something again, I want to see you again. Soon. I hope we don't lose contact, because you said you want to find what you want. Hopefully you find that what you want is me.. Until then, I wish you luck in school. I don't need to wish you luck with the guys, because you could get any guy you wanted with the bat of an eyelash and the touch of hand. That's how you stole my heart, and I hope someday you'll remember it sitting on your shelf with that coke bottle or that spider man doll and think of me And the great times we had. 

If we never speak again, goodbye. If we talk every day, goodnight. I truly do love you. 

Sunday.

I saw you today. I sat next to you on the lonely chair. I was resisting the urge to hold your hand like we used to at all the other farewells we went to. You look so beautiful. Your eyes and your lips just make me melt inside. I hope you want to see me today. Until then, I wait in my dark room for a word from you. 

I remember

I went to the top of that hill behind our work tonight with our friends. I remember the day we went up there, and I gave you a piggy back ride all the way back. 

I remember when it seemed like I was allergic to you. I was so worried because I loved you and wanted to be as close to you as possible. 

I remember when I asked you to be my girl. We were in your bedroom, and I asked you for a favor. You said "yeah?" I asked "will you be my girlfriend?" And you replied with "of course." 

And we kissed. 

I remember when you came to my band practice and we lit your shoe on fire. 

I remember when we went to your sisters play to help hand out fliers, and how we kissed before, outside the school on the benches. And I just thought how lucky I was to have you. 

My mind was just amazed every single day I woke up that I got to call YOU mine. YOU, the girl of my dreams. 

I remember when we shared our first love. We had both hoped it would never be that bad again. To this day I wonder if I was even any good. But that isn't what mattered. What mattered the most to me was the time after, where we would just look into each others eyes and kiss, exchanging I love you's every now and then. You are so perfect to me. And I wish I still had you. 

I remember when we had our first kiss. 

We were sitting on my basement couch watching a movie. The entire time, I was just thinking of when I was going to. And when I did, I got such a rush. That of a rapid flowing river, like a broken Dam. When I looked into your eyes, and when I saw your smile after we first kissed, I wanted to just scream. Scream to the world that I had just kissed the most beautiful girl on the planet. 

I remember the freedom assembly. When you sat there braiding sage's (I think it was) hair, and I would slowly 

Creep

My hand

Over to yours, and the assembly no longer seemed to be about freedom, but trying to hold your hand. I didn't that day, but later on, you asked me if that's what I was trying. It was. And we laughed. 

I remember the quotes I would send you every day, just as an excuse to text you. The most important one, 

"Love who your heart tells you to, Because your heart is better at loving than your brain, but don't go anywhere without both of them, for they work together to keep your head up in hard times."

I said that quote hoping that you would love me. You did. 

I don't know if you still do. 

I hope you do. 

Otherwise I'm wasting my breath. 

I remember when we texted for one of the first few times, I was at game night, and you were trying to explain to me why you don't like your father. But in between each letter would be an @ sign, and it made it so difficult for me to read. But I didn't care. 

I remember when you went to California. That was when I really aspired to like you, because you sent me a snapchat on valentines day saying "single on valentines day!" 

That was when I knew it was my time to shine. So we started to text. And I loved every minute of it. Reggie and kami both warned me about you.. Turns out they were somewhat right. That you moved on too easily.. Because it seems like you have..

But don't worry. I didn't tell them what really happened. I told them that the long distance just wasn't working for us. 

Because I know Reggie doesn't like you very much, and I didn't want it to be worse. 

I remember when we closed together one night, and stayed outside and talked until three o clock in the morning. I remember you were telling me that it was your time, so we couldn't do anything. I was a bit disappointed at first, but I am so happy we got to spend all that time just talking about our lives. You claim I don't remember a single thing from that conversation, but i do. I remember talking about how much trouble she was, and basically all of our past relationships. We talked about all of our interests, and you told me what you were doing in college. We talked about everything. And I loved it. 

I remember when we worked the country explosion together. We left right after work, and I had no intention of going back up there. I hated country, and I did not want to sit in traffic for hours. But I went up with you to spend time with you. Because I knew how much it meant to you. We went, and I remember when we snuck in by wearing our little Caesars shirts. You had me steer your car while you changed your shirt. I remember that night, and how we sat on that blanket and just cuddled and sang to country. Iwas so   happy, because you were so happy, and were having such a good time. You told me that it was one of the best nights ever, all thanks to me.

Just so you know, that made me feel like the most important man in the world. You, my dearest love, made me feel special. One thing every girl has failed at.

Until I met you. 

I remember when Carlos and I wanted to go to the dance, so badly. We did not want to go sit down and do nothing in front of a campfire. But what I didn't realize was that sitting in front of a campfire with you is the most amazing thing I could imagine. Because I got to sit next to you, and know you were mine. Even though I accidentally hit you in the face a couple times. 

I'm so sorry about that by the way. 

You still looked as gorgeous as you always do, even with those accidental bruises from me. 

I remember that time when we were making out in my car outside your house, and we saw people watching from inside, so we went down the street and parked. 

I remember when I first told you I loved you. I was so scared you wouldn't say it back. Boy was I glad you did. 

Now I'm afraid to even call you beautiful, because I'm afraid the guy you're hanging out with will see it, and question you, making you unhappy. 

I remember the last time we kissed. 

Some part of me knew it would be the last one. 

I wish it wasn't. 

Because now instead of telling you how I miss cuddling you, I tell you how work sucked. And when I call you beautiful, you just call me Athen. And my goodnight texts are usually twice as long as yours. But that's fine. Because I still get to hear you say goodnight to me. 

No matter how many other guys you might be saying it to, with more meaning,

No matter who you're kissing while you aren't texting me back, 

Or who you even hurt me with, 

I will still love you.

And I will always remember us and how perfect we were. 

So please, baby. Please don't say I don't remember anything. 

Space bound.

These are a few lines from eminem's space bound. 

They sort of explain exactly what I've been needing to say. 

We touch, I feel a rush. We clutch, it isn't much, but it's enough to make me wonder what's in store for us. 

I've got a hole in my heart for some kind of emotional roller coaster

Something I won't go on, so you toy with my emotions, so it's over, it's like an explosion every time I hold you I wasn't joking when I told you you take my breath away. You're a supernova. 

I'll do whatever it takes, when I'm with you I get the shakes, my body aches when I ain't with you, I have zero strength. 

There's no limit on how far I would go, no boundaries, no lengths. Why do we say that until we get that person we thinks going to be that one and then once we get them, 

it's never the same, you want them when they don't want you. 

It's not a conquest and I'm on no conquest for a mate, I wasn't looking when I stumbled into you, it must have been fate. 

But so much is at stake, what the fuck does it take? 

Lets cut to the chase, where the door shuts in my face, promise me if I cave in and break an leave myself open that I won't be making a mistake.

So after 5 months and ten days, it's no longer me that you want, but I love you so much it hurts. 

I'd pour my heart out to you. Let down I guard swear to God. I'll blow my brains in your lap, lie here and die in your arms, I'd drop to my knees and I'm pleading,I'm trying to stop you from leaving.

And I would have done anything for you. 

To show you how much I adored you. 

But it's over now, it's too late to save our love, just promise me you'll think of me every time you look up in the sky and see a star. 

And I'm so lost without you. 

  

This feeling like no other.

So I went to a crazy dance tonight. Lots of pretty girls who were willing to dance and do anything. 

None of them even compare to you. You are worth more than any of them ever could be to me. 

I sat there and thought of you the whole time. And how I wished I didn't tell you I "didn't like grinding" cause right now, any kind of physical contact with you would make my life complete. 

It's a good thing I have this blog because these are things I die every day wanting to say to you in person or even over text, but don't, because I just feel unloved right now. 

I call you beautiful, gorgeous, and everything in between, and you ignore it like I never said it. I say good morning sunshine, and I wonder if it even triggers the smallest bits of feelings for me. 

What will it take to get those feelings to resurface? What will it take to prove you wrong? To prove to you that I can be the boyfriend you want? So many rhetorical questions. Because you'll never answer them. 

I really don't have time to write you tonight. But I need a few questions out there. Those Leather couches that I now sit in feeling numb. Do you ever miss them? The noises they made, so obnoxious but so welcoming. Do you ever want to kiss me? 

These six strings

These six strings sing my sweet sadness vibrant and true like the tolling of a church bell. And each note tells a story of a time thought of you and what we used to be. Each bar holds a key to the answers to my questions, and I need you to learn to write music so you can fill these empty measures and blank rests. 

I need you to scribble me a time signature for my heart to beat to. It can be five, because this poem is rather odd like the amount of beats in this measure, or it can be four, so you can tap your perfect feet to it without missing a note. 

please let me hear the key of your beautiful voice, and i will write the most soothing of symphonies in that key, and in your lovely name, one for each choir of saints. 

Let this song be a composure unlike anything you've ever heard. Let this composure be longer than most, so I can hold you while we hear it next to that grand piano, long enough for you to love me. And let this love never die like mankind's love for music, and live on even after the day I die. I want you to think of this composure. I want you to think of me, even when I am gone, and even when I write another piece. 

Let me see the smile on your face, and the light in your eyes when you hear the notes I write for you. Let it be your favorite song better than any Jack's Mannequin song. And Yes, I did remember that was your favorite song.

Another post. I'm not forcing you to read this one.

Dear journal,

Oh boy, another one. I'm sure you enjoy hearing about my sad life, oh keyboard of mine. But these are my restless mind's thoughts that come to me in the middle of the night. Thoughts of her and how every day I wish she would tell me she loves me. She reads them for my straight up honesty, and I adore that. I adore how she puts up with me every day, texting her all day, with the hopes of her loving me again, when she probably is talking to at least one other guy at the same time. One she hopes will love him. One she hopes to replace me with. I hope to be that one. I hope to be the guy who she gets butterflies from with each text. I hope she saves me from reverting to my usual backup plan. Because that plan is starting to form, and I'm not enjoying it. Because I love her. And _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ is the only girl I want. (Remaining anonymous by request.) I know you read this and I'm sorry for being so obnoxious with my love. And some day I'd like a reply to one of these poems. If you can call them that 

Goodnight. 

Sincerely,

Dreaming of you

I wish

I wish I kissed you more. 

I wish I told you how perfect you were more often. Because its true. 

I wish I could feel your body against mine again. 

I wish I could run my fingers through your perfect straight hair again. 

I wish I could kiss your neck and have you tell me it tickles again. 

I wish I didn't take you for granted. 

I wish I hugged you longer. Every time. It was never enough. 

I wish I could hold you and let you fall asleep on my chest again. 

I wish I could buy you flowers again. 

I wish I could hear you say you love me too as you kiss me. 

I wish we talked more. 

I wish I listened better.

I wish I could see you every weekend. 

I wish I was in college right now, for you.  

I wished you would just kiss me last Saturday on your bed. 

I wish I could look at you knowing you're mine again. 

I wish I would have agreed to an open relationship. 

I wish I could still kiss you in the morning. 

In between classes. 

After our love. 

After I dropped you off. 

Whenever I wanted. 

I wish. 

I wish. 

I wish. 

Through these days

This past week has been a mix of emotions. Depression, anger, sadness, happiness, and fear. All of these emotions are stirred up by you, my love. But the one that tastes the most sweet in the poison you feed me is the feeling of happiness. Washing away each and every emotion of negative polarity is your beautiful face every time I see it. And every time I imagine that smile of yours. I get that feeling in my chest that good things are to come with you. This I pray is true, and work hard for every day. Just stay honest with me, and I will listen to your every word, and soak it up like a sponge, and do my best to remember it. Though my memory is poor, my love for you burns strong, and I want to keep this flame, though very small and hopeless, alive. I hope to one day get a kiss from you again. 

Metal.

Oh metal how I am so happy to have you. You fill the emptiest chasms of my chest. 

I love you. I do.

I wait up every night looking for a sign of you. A text. A call. A picture. A message of any kind. 

I even check Facebook for you. 

And I know you read this. And I love you for it. 

Obsecication

The page has been ripped out because it says what I have been dying to say. That page of all pages inside this lovely journal to be filled so well with the trappings of my life. I still love you. I always will. Because I know you read this. Please let me know.. But right now, how I feel is a feeling so intense, that a belt on an overweight American couldn't know how I feel. The sleepless nights and doodles days are nothing compared to the feeling of anger I hide behind these walls of skin and walls of bone. Where my broken and hollow ribcage sings such a lullaby that the dead can hear its song so clearly down in the dark fiery Dante's inferno. The things you've done to me make hell seem like a walk in the park, or some alternate dimension where I am actually a happy human being who is satisfied with every piece of his puzzle, and every small problem you throw him. I don't even want to look at your beautiful face because I almost get sick thinking of what I didn't do for you, and what I hide behind this plastered and cement mask of emotions, like a camel getting placed straw after straw after straw on his back until his back snaps like a Popsicle stick. SNAPS like a shitty genesis CD that I use to make these scars bleed again, SNAPS like my overly broken heart, like a paper that has been folded one too many times, and just falls apart. I can't even believe the things you whisper into my des ears from your perfect cold purple lips I used to kiss so passionately, and die to every day. With the love burning of a thousand suns. 

And I am OBSESSED with your love, and INTOXICATED with your breath, my lungs are filled with your false words, and my cup of steaming hot coffee has lost its sweet flavor, and gone black as the dark eternal night your perfect hands trapped me in. My pen has run dry, and all the stores I find them in have all shut down. 

I AM ADDICTED to the feeling of your skin on mine, and the need to feel you. I crave it like the early bird craves the worm. All I want is you and for that I would give my life. I would change my direction to walk with you. I'd let you in, and HEAR YOUR WORDS. but keep my wall up. This wall will never break down, and you've helped me build it. I love it. An I love you. And I am obsessed with your love. 

I wear your apron at work.

My last words of sorrow have been spoken through my heart  how much you mean to me is beyond everything imaginable. If you only understood how my heart is slowly sinking in the tides of my tears to be fallen. I love you. And I need you.

 And the pain feels so much worse now that you're actually gone. I somehow knew that our last kiss would be our last. Our last love would be the last. I just wish I could have one more kiss. One more touch to make you come back to me. If only you could feel this burning inside y chest. So many questions I can no longer ask.

 Do you love me?

How did you sleep, beautiful? 

Will you let me pay for you?

Will you let me call you baby? 

Are you happy today? I'd really love to see you smile.  

For you.

You tell me I don't write enough poems for you. So this one is for you. 

I just wrote a poem but I didn't like it so I deleted it 

You are my composition.

You are my composure. You are my concerto in D sharp major. You are my moonlight sonata, dancing under a pale moon, to the tickling of the ivories so fine and unique. 

You are my dance to the three four beat. 

You are my ragtime piano. 

You are my symphony, somehow better than that bar that goes beyond music. 

And into chocolate. 

You are my key of c and a minor.

No sharps. 

No flats. 

Just perfect and immovable. 

You are my love. 

You are my life. 

You are my new Paris, for I sadly left it long ago. 

You are my writers block. 

You are what stops my pen. 

What sucks it dry and steaks the rest. 

But somehow I still love you. 

Like I can't win.

A game I can't win. 

When stupidity reigns supreme, I write shit like this.

I have feelings for you like I have never had for another person before. But the real question is how you feel about me.

I'd pour my heart out to you. I'd let down my guard, swear to God.

I just want to know the truth for the first time.

Am I special to you?

Or am I just a face in the shadow of greats?

Just a voice in a choir of saints?

Just another guy..?

I want to be your everything.

And I want to be your reason why.

And I want to be above the rest.

Oh how unimaginable it is.

The past is a sign of the future.

I told you a few months ago to love who your heart tells you. I told you

"Love who your heart tells you to, Because your heart is better at loving than your brain, but don't go anywhere without both of them, for they work together to keep your head up in hard times."

I said those words with the hope of you loving me.

With the hope in my heart of glass, with my eyes and lips sewn shut, that you would end up being the one to save me from myself.

Save me from this eternity spent in some blackened limbo with nowhere to go.

Just wet the brush and the thinnest papers of my souls with the color of your scarlet lips and let me fall into your velvet pained heart.

I want to fall into your oblivion and let down my guard that I've so carefully kept up, even still as it is.

Just let me know if I can. And please be honest.

Don't let those beautiful lips whisper a single false word to me because I would let my guard down for a woman like you.

And I want this paper to be waterproof, and for it to never grow thin or worn down, like the rest, because you, my love.

You.

Are.

Perfect.

And if this is wrong, I don't want to be right.

Now it's time to let my burgundy heart rest in your arms for the rest of this dark eternal night. Oh please open the door of your arms to me.

Goodnight.

The theater is closed. (Not the page.)

I wonder if I'm living some second life where I pretend I'm not a sad excuse for a person. If this life I'm living I'm actually happy again, which I thought could never be.

I write only when the living fill these coffins. When the dead rise again with the saddest of rivers flowing.

But maybe the pen has run dry because It's been scribbling on the Richter scale of the beating of my heart for you.

And my brain is functioning right because the cogs have been un-mashed and put back in their place where I can see that this place is only the door to eternity.

And that I need to open this door with open eyes and an open mind, with a pathetic toothless smile like that of a scarecrow whose mouth has been silenced for the remainder of what lies beyond that chipped, splintered, and wooden door of eternity.

The movie in this theater is now but a dream where there are no happy endings and no more I love you's because the dream has become a nightmare we all live with.

So turn off the screen and this theater can close down because I am happy again.

For now.

I come up with names before I write these which is bad.

I want to pick the strings of my guitar to the beating of my heart.

But picking these strings would break the strings of my heart for the picking would be too fast.

It would stop...

Just like it did the first time you put your head on my shoulder.

When the dam broke free and the river would run down the mountain and not my face because I was happy.

Why the fuck can't I write anything? Why am I so uninspired?

Belief

I never believed it'd be like this. That I'd get to kiss you or even call you mine. I didn't think I'd be sketching out this drawing in the poorly lot room of my heart.

But the truth is, you light up the room. You show me the vibrant colors of the world, and my heart beats faster every time I see you.

Every time I feel you I get this buzzing in my chest like a bee caged in an electric trap waiting to get out.

A burst of emotion that makes me want to live again.

That makes me happier than I've felt in a long time, because I'm a lonely dog.

A dog who hasn't seen their owner in 2 hours after a trip to the grocery store.

Ecstatic.

Frantic.

Excited.

Happy.

Just happy.

For the first time in a long time.

I can say I'm happy with the way my life is going.

Because the road I see is one newly paved, yet driven thousands of times.

But this time is different.

Like I don't say that every time. Just let me be happy, alright?

Don't let my over thinking heart take this down the road I traveled more. Cause I wanna be like Robert frost and take the one less traveled by. The one less traveled by myself. All my writing is shit. I want to hold your hand and just dance.

Dance our breath away.

Until our last breath has been breathed, and our last kiss has been kissed, and the last page has been turned in this WONDERFUL book you and i are reading,

And I want to die in your arms with your lips pressed to mine in this fiery inferno we call home.

Just take me home.

My life

I'm trapped inside my lovely dreams for what seemed like an eternity. Only to be awakened by this curse.

I can't enjoy these luxuries of sleep when darkness lies. I dream of you and wake to hell and must live this mortal life.

Reanimate my soul each day, put on this sickened mask, of outstretched smiles and powdered dreams and escape this putrid past.

Oh my dreams can never last. I wake and pull the vinyl strings on my puppet casket shaft. I scream and shout to no avail to be free from day to day.

To dream of our dances on skeletal grounds, and the flames that doth lick on our flesh.

I crave for your touch but it's withheld from me by these veils of black whispers and wretched soundscapes.

The good old days

All my friends are dead or really don't like me. Or maybe they never existed in the first place.

It's probably that one. They never existed. Because the ones who don't like that you're happy here and now are the ones who don't exist.

Because I'm happy here and now.

And I haven't been in a long time.

I just don't want to have to choose between the two. I want to live and be happy and free, to just talk endlessly into the nights while still having someone to see more than every other tiring day I have to wake up and live this endless nightmare.

I just want to talk it out through the tip of this pen to the Manila paper pages of my heart.

Can I just be happy? Because I'm almost there. All I need Is what it used to be. Because it's all I ever wanted.

The blind have no reason to walk

So why do we walk these distances holding hands assuming we know the path?

Amongst other things

I feel that tonight has been a night to remember. It may not be the best of nights, but it was most certainly not the worst. Because the way you make me feel is unlike any way I've ever felt before.

You make me feel like I am a cold river rushing down the mountain in spring whose heart was melted by the touch.

You make me realize that I HAVE done my best, because there is nothing better.

And isn't that what dad always wanted?

Was for us to do our best?

Go ahead, son. Make daddy proud.

Because the first time my daddy said he was proud, I was with you. I didn't think we'd be here now, no never did it cross my mind. But the wonders of art and the musical chimes have started the symphony I wish to last forever.

I want to just breathe when you stand next to me.

But for some reason I can't.

My breath has gone missing and is nowhere to be found, not in the highest of mountains or the lowest of rivers.

Oh please give it back. Give me my breath and lock it in place with a kiss because the thought of my lips on yours just makes the blood flow through me so fast I can almost feel it.

If only I could.

You looked beautiful tonight

And I sat there resisting what my heart wants so bad. Oh if only I could tell you or be taken seriously. Oh if only what I said to you carried the meaning I wished. If you knew, would you show me the day that never came? Would you show me how to live and how to smile again? What is it like in your world where it seems so happy from the outside? What is it like to walk on the pavement of another place but Paris? What's it like on the asphalt of my past before I stopped dreaming and started living? Pull me down from my dream cloud and show me what the real world is like.

To suffocate my screams. A poem by T.S. Wilde and The Black Box.

So a friend (who remains anonymous) and I wrote a poem together tonight, God know how it happened, but here it is:


T.S. Wilde: What am I supposed to do with all these brains and this emotional damage?

The Black Box: Sweep it under the rug with the rest of my broken puzzles.

T: But I forget that's where I keep my anger so no one sees it. There's no more room.

B: So then i will rip up these floorboards like you tore my paper heart and cram the feelings of self worthlessness there where everyone who steps on it will think those squeaks are just old wood, but in reality is the truth of my hell trying to get out.


T: As if my feelings of self loathing could ever be contained within the confines of the floors of this old house.--As if your personal hell isn't always leaking out into every day life when you're cradling your shredded heart like all the other lost souls of this generation.

B: No, these floorboards can't hold all that. Ill have to rip up the floorboards of every floor of every home in America, on every story in every building until my story has been written on these bricks in blood, until the northern lights read my lie and can shine in the south with my words never spoken, just written on the page in this pen that will run dry trying to tell of my hatred, and that is why they invented the iPad. But even when the 64 gigabytes of lust hate and scars, they will need to make a bigger iPad to contain these words, and a vocal box bigger than the ones confided to us.

T: But Even if they were to make a bigger vocal box, it could never hold all the screams contained in my body, in my soul. They can't think of anything deep or large enough to contain all those, nothing like the pits within our brains where we keep our demons. They can't invent the cages we keep our seven sins at bay in, but they keep trying, acting as if they've figured it out with their mass produced goods and their churches and their high-rise buildings. But no matter how many downloads, uploads, upgrades, or new products they create, none will ever be enough.

B: None will ever be enough to hide what this broken ribcage has to hide! This Purple Heart is swelling up in my chest and filling up the chasm of my throat, suffocating my screams and crushing my delicate lungs and pushing itself against the individual ribs like a water balloon against a tiny blade of grass getting ready to POP POP POP! Like the popcorn on that apricot tree because I'm definitely high off my ass! High off of all the shit you feed me, all the awful things you say to make me feel like my heart needs to explode. Needs to let the blood drain from my body carrying the words of my sorrow down my broken jaw like a blackened alphabet soup. Let it flow, let it flow, let.


It.



FLOW.



Theblackboxpoetry.blogspot.com

Accidentallythis.blogspot.com

These little wonders

And I wonder if I will ever find a girl who will tell me exactly how she feels about me, one who will laugh with me and let me call her beautiful, and take the compliment. Just give me a girl who will have a paint fight with red and blue and help me make purple. A girl who wants to kick my ass in call of duty just to spend some time with me. A girl who wants to spend some time with me. Who if I ask if she wants to do something and she doesn't, she'll just say no instead of ignore me.

Just give me a girl who cares about me.

And then there was one.

I look at all the other pages of the journal of last semester, to find that their pens have run dry and the creativity has died. Maybe it lives on somewhere else but damn. I miss you guys. Maybe you all should start posting again?

And I sit

In front of this screen hoping to see something from you, constantly refreshing all my feeds hoping for a word from your lips. Decaying. I'm rotting away.

The somnious.

My dreams are the only place I can go to hear your voice tell me how you feel. The streets of Paris are empty and the rain has been dried with the acrylics of the canvas painting we never started.

The colors of my dreams are stuck inside the bottle of paint and sorrow, waiting to be squeezed out by your hands, the one not holding the paint brush of my every breath.

Just take the watercolors of my wanderlust and rewet the pavement of my Paris and the canvas of my heart, because they're dry and chapped, like the lips you never kissed, and the dried hands you never held, the hands that just wrote and wrote and wrote.

Wrote of my sadness and the desaturated tears that fell from the black pits of my nectar filled heart. And I wander these streets bare feet and blind eyed, just feeling and hearing and smelling the air of my dreams as it breezes past me through the streets and down the alleys where the deepest thoughts of my mind reside.

Just please give me a sign or maybe some hope that maybe some day ill get to call you mine.

Block of the writer

So my dear. I've known you for a while. And the time I've spent hiding what I feel has been like a sack of bricks weighing my heart to the bottomless pit of my stomach. And now I can show you what I think and how I feel, but the ignorance I see is more than what you know. And the urges I have to love you now have become more than I can bear. So please just open your beautiful eyes and look into mine and kiss away the void that sits inside, because the swirling dark pits of my eyes so discrete, are sucking me in and tearing.

Me.

Apart.

Limb from limb they stretch me like I'm taffy, some bratty girl who won a gold ticket. I can't take the stress and the pain anymore. Please just read this and untie the rope. Take from me the bottle and blade I hold dear. And give me the strength I need to stay here.

Oh God it rhymed.

I'm done.

I'm so done here.

It's been a while.

Why do I fall in love with every woman who gives me the least bit of attention?



It's like if a wonderful attractive young woman waved at me, I act like it means that she wants to sleep with me.

Half the time I'm right..... But that's not the point.

Because when I'm wrong I don't know it and i'll aspire for you. And I'll want your touch. Your kiss. The feel of you against me. To know that all this time I've known you has not been in vain.


I don't even know who I'm writing this for.

There are a few of you that I guess could apply to. But you're not gonna read it anyway. It's like talking to a brick wall.

Like I'm amplifying the sound of my dry hoarse voice through the hole in the noose.

So just slip on through and let the cold black embrace you.