The telephone.

Last night was hard for me. 

I almost ended my life because of you. 

But I'm glad I didn't. Because that phone call you gave me made me feel like you do care. 

Even though you love this new guy, and you're going camping with him this weekend, I feel like you care about me. 

It's in a way that I don't want, because I want you to love me and care about me, but seeing as that isn't an option.. I'll just deal with what I've got. 

It's just that crippling depression isn't a very good cuddler. 

I hate you so much for what you've done. What you continue to do. How you can be so blind and selfish is beyond me. And some day these scars will heal. Until then, I love you. And I hate you. 

Misunderstood.

How can I feel abandoned, even when the world surrounds me?

How can I know so many, never really knowing anyone?

Goodbye cruel world

I'm leaving here today. 

Goodbye

Good bye

Goodbye. 

Good bye all you people, there's nothing you can say

To make me change my mind. 

Goodbye. 

I'd like to thank you for reading all my bullshit about you. And I'm really sorry it has to end like this. Maybe now you'll miss me. 

Truth or dare.

The first time I've chosen dare in a long time resulted in a good night with you. One I've missed. I've missed sitting next to you and talking. I've missed that perfume you wore that drove me crazy. And I missed the few times we did kiss. I missed the rebellion. And the good times. I miss letting you use my iPod for months.  

Glad I got to relive them tonight, and stop bowing at her throne for a night. 

Just one less place.

I dreamt of you last night. 

We kissed and I held you.

 But for some reason I knew you didn't love me. 

Like you were trying to resist. 

But you let me do it just because I wanted to. 

Sad how even in my dreams you don't love me. 

Just one less place I can go to feel warm and happy again. 

Shames

It's such a shame that you don't think of me the same way. 

That you don't love me anymore. 

That these pictures are just lying on the floor under the ashes of the rest of your things. Right next to that flower you pinned on my chest. 

It's such a shame how quickly you moved on and away from me. 

As if we didn't even try. 

You promised we'd try. 

And now I'm stubbing out my cigarettes on the book you gave me what seems like an eternity ago. 

These memories are just another picture in the picture book. 

Title.

My mind has been erased.

my hands have been numbed,

and my heart has been stopped.

and you don't even know CPR.

Nobody home.

I've got a little black book with my poems in it. 

And When I'm a good dog they sometimes throw me a bone. 

I've got electric light. 

And I got second sight. 

And I've got amazing powers of observation. And that is how I know. 

When I try to get through on the telephone to you,

 there'll be nobody home. 

Ive got wide staring eyes

And Ive got a strong urge to fly

But I've got nowhere to fly to.

Oh baby, When I pick up the phone. There's still nobody home.  

Regrets

There are a lot of things I regret. Not doing it tonight is one of them. Staying out until 5:00 is another. Loving the wrong person was a big one. 

We tend to seek happiness when it is actually a choice.

And it's never really seemed to be an option for me I'm the past few weeks, but tonight I was able to release myself from your chains, and let me tell you, love, it felt fucking awesome. To feel something besides the endless pain again. 

I wish

I wish I could show you my skin. Let you feel these sad scars you engraved upon my flesh. I can't show you that though,  because that shows you that I need you.

And that's all part of your plan, isn't it. 

You want me to need you like I need this toxic oxygen, so that you can wrap your pretty fingers around my sore throat and hold on to me like a life vest. Just so you can pull my strings all you want, and I'll still be right here for you to fall on. 

I love the pain.

I love you, and I've said it a thousand times. And I'll keep saying it until you love me back. I love that pain I get when I hear you say you don't feel anything right now. It's a fucking awful pain, but it really stings the cuts nicely. A scream that let's the ghost inside me out. 

I love the way you don't show your emotions. It really fucks with my poor lunatic head, and it's better than downing a bottle of 85% alcohol. 

I love the way you tell me I was never there. It's almost as good as that rusted, stained blade dragging across my dry flesh. Almost. 

It makes my ears bleed the blood of Christ to hear you say that I didn't treat you right, when I tried my God damned hardest to be the best human being I could be.  

I love the way you tell me you won't ever want to kiss me again by the way in acting. It just makes me want to put more and more red tape over this mask, so that maybe you'll want to kiss me again. Kiss my gaping wounds. Kiss my lips and rip my heart straight out of the fucking dirt you buried it under, only to cram it back down my throat and make me suffocate with your love. 

I just want to hold you one more time in my cold naked arms. Let me cuddle you and kiss that muscle on your shoulder that turns you on, so you say. 

Let me turn you on one more time, and feel those perfect hands on my chest as you breathe heavily into my ears, sending those spine tingling chills down my back that tell me you love me. Let me get you in the dark eternal night one last time. 

Let me sin with you one more time. Let us commit that one of the seven deadly sins again. Because you made me feel alive every time your naked body touched mine. I felt complete and worth something. And I just want to feel that again. I just want to feel something. Anything but pain. 

Anything. 

Just talk to me. About him. So I can engrave every word you say into my flesh 

I have a photo album with your name on it. Pictures of us. There were only about 20, but in each picture, I am happy. And you loved me. And you called me baby. I look at them every day, just to remember us. 

Even if we change

Even if we change and we fall out of love, you're still my baby and I'm still your man. I love you with all my heart, and I wish I didn't take you for granted. I thought about it again today, that I will never find another girl as great as you. You're everything I ever wanted in a girl. But now you're gone. And I don't know what it takes for you to at least say thank you when I say you're gorgeous. 

Paris was thrown away.

I leave for one second. Let down my guard for one minute. I am happy for once in my pathetic life, and you go and throw it all away. Like it was some piece of trash that nobody wanted to have anymore. 

And here you are acting like it means nothing to me. 

Like what you did won't affect me in a few days, a few weeks, or a few lifetimes.

I am hungry for what you threw away. And now I have no hope of ever getting it back, because what you threw away is now contaminated and unusable like every piece of trash in that sad cold tin can I call my heart. 

I thought you cared. I thought you cared about me. But I was wrong, oh was I wrong. You did this to me without it even crossing your mind that you would leave me scarred and broken like my right wrist after having supported too much weight. 

Oh how I wish that someday you would make it up to me, to want what we had again, for it to be not replaceable. I just want you to care again. Please. Do it for me. 

Just another day in hell.

I don't have any words to say from these zipped lips. Only that I love you. And today was just another day in hell, a place where you don't love me, and where I'm not enough. 

A last(?) goodbye.

I really hope that wasn't the last goodbye we ever say to each other. Though that goodbye hug was phenomenal, and made me feel like I mean something again, I want to see you again. Soon. I hope we don't lose contact, because you said you want to find what you want. Hopefully you find that what you want is me.. Until then, I wish you luck in school. I don't need to wish you luck with the guys, because you could get any guy you wanted with the bat of an eyelash and the touch of hand. That's how you stole my heart, and I hope someday you'll remember it sitting on your shelf with that coke bottle or that spider man doll and think of me And the great times we had. 

If we never speak again, goodbye. If we talk every day, goodnight. I truly do love you. 

Sunday.

I saw you today. I sat next to you on the lonely chair. I was resisting the urge to hold your hand like we used to at all the other farewells we went to. You look so beautiful. Your eyes and your lips just make me melt inside. I hope you want to see me today. Until then, I wait in my dark room for a word from you. 

I remember

I went to the top of that hill behind our work tonight with our friends. I remember the day we went up there, and I gave you a piggy back ride all the way back. 

I remember when it seemed like I was allergic to you. I was so worried because I loved you and wanted to be as close to you as possible. 

I remember when I asked you to be my girl. We were in your bedroom, and I asked you for a favor. You said "yeah?" I asked "will you be my girlfriend?" And you replied with "of course." 

And we kissed. 

I remember when you came to my band practice and we lit your shoe on fire. 

I remember when we went to your sisters play to help hand out fliers, and how we kissed before, outside the school on the benches. And I just thought how lucky I was to have you. 

My mind was just amazed every single day I woke up that I got to call YOU mine. YOU, the girl of my dreams. 

I remember when we shared our first love. We had both hoped it would never be that bad again. To this day I wonder if I was even any good. But that isn't what mattered. What mattered the most to me was the time after, where we would just look into each others eyes and kiss, exchanging I love you's every now and then. You are so perfect to me. And I wish I still had you. 

I remember when we had our first kiss. 

We were sitting on my basement couch watching a movie. The entire time, I was just thinking of when I was going to. And when I did, I got such a rush. That of a rapid flowing river, like a broken Dam. When I looked into your eyes, and when I saw your smile after we first kissed, I wanted to just scream. Scream to the world that I had just kissed the most beautiful girl on the planet. 

I remember the freedom assembly. When you sat there braiding sage's (I think it was) hair, and I would slowly 

Creep

My hand

Over to yours, and the assembly no longer seemed to be about freedom, but trying to hold your hand. I didn't that day, but later on, you asked me if that's what I was trying. It was. And we laughed. 

I remember the quotes I would send you every day, just as an excuse to text you. The most important one, 

"Love who your heart tells you to, Because your heart is better at loving than your brain, but don't go anywhere without both of them, for they work together to keep your head up in hard times."

I said that quote hoping that you would love me. You did. 

I don't know if you still do. 

I hope you do. 

Otherwise I'm wasting my breath. 

I remember when we texted for one of the first few times, I was at game night, and you were trying to explain to me why you don't like your father. But in between each letter would be an @ sign, and it made it so difficult for me to read. But I didn't care. 

I remember when you went to California. That was when I really aspired to like you, because you sent me a snapchat on valentines day saying "single on valentines day!" 

That was when I knew it was my time to shine. So we started to text. And I loved every minute of it. Reggie and kami both warned me about you.. Turns out they were somewhat right. That you moved on too easily.. Because it seems like you have..

But don't worry. I didn't tell them what really happened. I told them that the long distance just wasn't working for us. 

Because I know Reggie doesn't like you very much, and I didn't want it to be worse. 

I remember when we closed together one night, and stayed outside and talked until three o clock in the morning. I remember you were telling me that it was your time, so we couldn't do anything. I was a bit disappointed at first, but I am so happy we got to spend all that time just talking about our lives. You claim I don't remember a single thing from that conversation, but i do. I remember talking about how much trouble she was, and basically all of our past relationships. We talked about all of our interests, and you told me what you were doing in college. We talked about everything. And I loved it. 

I remember when we worked the country explosion together. We left right after work, and I had no intention of going back up there. I hated country, and I did not want to sit in traffic for hours. But I went up with you to spend time with you. Because I knew how much it meant to you. We went, and I remember when we snuck in by wearing our little Caesars shirts. You had me steer your car while you changed your shirt. I remember that night, and how we sat on that blanket and just cuddled and sang to country. Iwas so   happy, because you were so happy, and were having such a good time. You told me that it was one of the best nights ever, all thanks to me.

Just so you know, that made me feel like the most important man in the world. You, my dearest love, made me feel special. One thing every girl has failed at.

Until I met you. 

I remember when Carlos and I wanted to go to the dance, so badly. We did not want to go sit down and do nothing in front of a campfire. But what I didn't realize was that sitting in front of a campfire with you is the most amazing thing I could imagine. Because I got to sit next to you, and know you were mine. Even though I accidentally hit you in the face a couple times. 

I'm so sorry about that by the way. 

You still looked as gorgeous as you always do, even with those accidental bruises from me. 

I remember that time when we were making out in my car outside your house, and we saw people watching from inside, so we went down the street and parked. 

I remember when I first told you I loved you. I was so scared you wouldn't say it back. Boy was I glad you did. 

Now I'm afraid to even call you beautiful, because I'm afraid the guy you're hanging out with will see it, and question you, making you unhappy. 

I remember the last time we kissed. 

Some part of me knew it would be the last one. 

I wish it wasn't. 

Because now instead of telling you how I miss cuddling you, I tell you how work sucked. And when I call you beautiful, you just call me Athen. And my goodnight texts are usually twice as long as yours. But that's fine. Because I still get to hear you say goodnight to me. 

No matter how many other guys you might be saying it to, with more meaning,

No matter who you're kissing while you aren't texting me back, 

Or who you even hurt me with, 

I will still love you.

And I will always remember us and how perfect we were. 

So please, baby. Please don't say I don't remember anything. 

Space bound.

These are a few lines from eminem's space bound. 

They sort of explain exactly what I've been needing to say. 

We touch, I feel a rush. We clutch, it isn't much, but it's enough to make me wonder what's in store for us. 

I've got a hole in my heart for some kind of emotional roller coaster

Something I won't go on, so you toy with my emotions, so it's over, it's like an explosion every time I hold you I wasn't joking when I told you you take my breath away. You're a supernova. 

I'll do whatever it takes, when I'm with you I get the shakes, my body aches when I ain't with you, I have zero strength. 

There's no limit on how far I would go, no boundaries, no lengths. Why do we say that until we get that person we thinks going to be that one and then once we get them, 

it's never the same, you want them when they don't want you. 

It's not a conquest and I'm on no conquest for a mate, I wasn't looking when I stumbled into you, it must have been fate. 

But so much is at stake, what the fuck does it take? 

Lets cut to the chase, where the door shuts in my face, promise me if I cave in and break an leave myself open that I won't be making a mistake.

So after 5 months and ten days, it's no longer me that you want, but I love you so much it hurts. 

I'd pour my heart out to you. Let down I guard swear to God. I'll blow my brains in your lap, lie here and die in your arms, I'd drop to my knees and I'm pleading,I'm trying to stop you from leaving.

And I would have done anything for you. 

To show you how much I adored you. 

But it's over now, it's too late to save our love, just promise me you'll think of me every time you look up in the sky and see a star. 

And I'm so lost without you. 

  

This feeling like no other.

So I went to a crazy dance tonight. Lots of pretty girls who were willing to dance and do anything. 

None of them even compare to you. You are worth more than any of them ever could be to me. 

I sat there and thought of you the whole time. And how I wished I didn't tell you I "didn't like grinding" cause right now, any kind of physical contact with you would make my life complete. 

It's a good thing I have this blog because these are things I die every day wanting to say to you in person or even over text, but don't, because I just feel unloved right now. 

I call you beautiful, gorgeous, and everything in between, and you ignore it like I never said it. I say good morning sunshine, and I wonder if it even triggers the smallest bits of feelings for me. 

What will it take to get those feelings to resurface? What will it take to prove you wrong? To prove to you that I can be the boyfriend you want? So many rhetorical questions. Because you'll never answer them. 

I really don't have time to write you tonight. But I need a few questions out there. Those Leather couches that I now sit in feeling numb. Do you ever miss them? The noises they made, so obnoxious but so welcoming. Do you ever want to kiss me? 

These six strings

These six strings sing my sweet sadness vibrant and true like the tolling of a church bell. And each note tells a story of a time thought of you and what we used to be. Each bar holds a key to the answers to my questions, and I need you to learn to write music so you can fill these empty measures and blank rests. 

I need you to scribble me a time signature for my heart to beat to. It can be five, because this poem is rather odd like the amount of beats in this measure, or it can be four, so you can tap your perfect feet to it without missing a note. 

please let me hear the key of your beautiful voice, and i will write the most soothing of symphonies in that key, and in your lovely name, one for each choir of saints. 

Let this song be a composure unlike anything you've ever heard. Let this composure be longer than most, so I can hold you while we hear it next to that grand piano, long enough for you to love me. And let this love never die like mankind's love for music, and live on even after the day I die. I want you to think of this composure. I want you to think of me, even when I am gone, and even when I write another piece. 

Let me see the smile on your face, and the light in your eyes when you hear the notes I write for you. Let it be your favorite song better than any Jack's Mannequin song. And Yes, I did remember that was your favorite song.

Another post. I'm not forcing you to read this one.

Dear journal,

Oh boy, another one. I'm sure you enjoy hearing about my sad life, oh keyboard of mine. But these are my restless mind's thoughts that come to me in the middle of the night. Thoughts of her and how every day I wish she would tell me she loves me. She reads them for my straight up honesty, and I adore that. I adore how she puts up with me every day, texting her all day, with the hopes of her loving me again, when she probably is talking to at least one other guy at the same time. One she hopes will love him. One she hopes to replace me with. I hope to be that one. I hope to be the guy who she gets butterflies from with each text. I hope she saves me from reverting to my usual backup plan. Because that plan is starting to form, and I'm not enjoying it. Because I love her. And _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ is the only girl I want. (Remaining anonymous by request.) I know you read this and I'm sorry for being so obnoxious with my love. And some day I'd like a reply to one of these poems. If you can call them that 

Goodnight. 

Sincerely,

Dreaming of you

I wish

I wish I kissed you more. 

I wish I told you how perfect you were more often. Because its true. 

I wish I could feel your body against mine again. 

I wish I could run my fingers through your perfect straight hair again. 

I wish I could kiss your neck and have you tell me it tickles again. 

I wish I didn't take you for granted. 

I wish I hugged you longer. Every time. It was never enough. 

I wish I could hold you and let you fall asleep on my chest again. 

I wish I could buy you flowers again. 

I wish I could hear you say you love me too as you kiss me. 

I wish we talked more. 

I wish I listened better.

I wish I could see you every weekend. 

I wish I was in college right now, for you.  

I wished you would just kiss me last Saturday on your bed. 

I wish I could look at you knowing you're mine again. 

I wish I would have agreed to an open relationship. 

I wish I could still kiss you in the morning. 

In between classes. 

After our love. 

After I dropped you off. 

Whenever I wanted. 

I wish. 

I wish. 

I wish. 

Through these days

This past week has been a mix of emotions. Depression, anger, sadness, happiness, and fear. All of these emotions are stirred up by you, my love. But the one that tastes the most sweet in the poison you feed me is the feeling of happiness. Washing away each and every emotion of negative polarity is your beautiful face every time I see it. And every time I imagine that smile of yours. I get that feeling in my chest that good things are to come with you. This I pray is true, and work hard for every day. Just stay honest with me, and I will listen to your every word, and soak it up like a sponge, and do my best to remember it. Though my memory is poor, my love for you burns strong, and I want to keep this flame, though very small and hopeless, alive. I hope to one day get a kiss from you again. 

Metal.

Oh metal how I am so happy to have you. You fill the emptiest chasms of my chest. 

I love you. I do.

I wait up every night looking for a sign of you. A text. A call. A picture. A message of any kind. 

I even check Facebook for you. 

And I know you read this. And I love you for it. 

Obsecication

The page has been ripped out because it says what I have been dying to say. That page of all pages inside this lovely journal to be filled so well with the trappings of my life. I still love you. I always will. Because I know you read this. Please let me know.. But right now, how I feel is a feeling so intense, that a belt on an overweight American couldn't know how I feel. The sleepless nights and doodles days are nothing compared to the feeling of anger I hide behind these walls of skin and walls of bone. Where my broken and hollow ribcage sings such a lullaby that the dead can hear its song so clearly down in the dark fiery Dante's inferno. The things you've done to me make hell seem like a walk in the park, or some alternate dimension where I am actually a happy human being who is satisfied with every piece of his puzzle, and every small problem you throw him. I don't even want to look at your beautiful face because I almost get sick thinking of what I didn't do for you, and what I hide behind this plastered and cement mask of emotions, like a camel getting placed straw after straw after straw on his back until his back snaps like a Popsicle stick. SNAPS like a shitty genesis CD that I use to make these scars bleed again, SNAPS like my overly broken heart, like a paper that has been folded one too many times, and just falls apart. I can't even believe the things you whisper into my des ears from your perfect cold purple lips I used to kiss so passionately, and die to every day. With the love burning of a thousand suns. 

And I am OBSESSED with your love, and INTOXICATED with your breath, my lungs are filled with your false words, and my cup of steaming hot coffee has lost its sweet flavor, and gone black as the dark eternal night your perfect hands trapped me in. My pen has run dry, and all the stores I find them in have all shut down. 

I AM ADDICTED to the feeling of your skin on mine, and the need to feel you. I crave it like the early bird craves the worm. All I want is you and for that I would give my life. I would change my direction to walk with you. I'd let you in, and HEAR YOUR WORDS. but keep my wall up. This wall will never break down, and you've helped me build it. I love it. An I love you. And I am obsessed with your love.