Obsecication

The page has been ripped out because it says what I have been dying to say. That page of all pages inside this lovely journal to be filled so well with the trappings of my life. I still love you. I always will. Because I know you read this. Please let me know.. But right now, how I feel is a feeling so intense, that a belt on an overweight American couldn't know how I feel. The sleepless nights and doodles days are nothing compared to the feeling of anger I hide behind these walls of skin and walls of bone. Where my broken and hollow ribcage sings such a lullaby that the dead can hear its song so clearly down in the dark fiery Dante's inferno. The things you've done to me make hell seem like a walk in the park, or some alternate dimension where I am actually a happy human being who is satisfied with every piece of his puzzle, and every small problem you throw him. I don't even want to look at your beautiful face because I almost get sick thinking of what I didn't do for you, and what I hide behind this plastered and cement mask of emotions, like a camel getting placed straw after straw after straw on his back until his back snaps like a Popsicle stick. SNAPS like a shitty genesis CD that I use to make these scars bleed again, SNAPS like my overly broken heart, like a paper that has been folded one too many times, and just falls apart. I can't even believe the things you whisper into my des ears from your perfect cold purple lips I used to kiss so passionately, and die to every day. With the love burning of a thousand suns. 

And I am OBSESSED with your love, and INTOXICATED with your breath, my lungs are filled with your false words, and my cup of steaming hot coffee has lost its sweet flavor, and gone black as the dark eternal night your perfect hands trapped me in. My pen has run dry, and all the stores I find them in have all shut down. 

I AM ADDICTED to the feeling of your skin on mine, and the need to feel you. I crave it like the early bird craves the worm. All I want is you and for that I would give my life. I would change my direction to walk with you. I'd let you in, and HEAR YOUR WORDS. but keep my wall up. This wall will never break down, and you've helped me build it. I love it. An I love you. And I am obsessed with your love.