I just ruined it all. Again. (Fears)

So I'm supposed to talk about my fears.

And I regret to say, amongst other things, that I am afraid of you.

I'm afraid of what you think of me. Which I know is bad.

I'm afraid that what I just barely said to you RUINED every tiny little shred of hope I had of getting you back. And I want you to know that I didn't mean what I said. You told me that I lied to you when you asked me what was wrong.

I said nothing, because I didn't want you thinking of me as a fool who won't get over you.

Because that's what I am.

A fool.

When you said I lied to you, the improper response was to say "yes, but you lied to me."

I know you did.... But...truth is, that won't get me anywhere but backward. The opposite direction in which I'd like to move with you.

I love you. And I FEAR that when I said that, I KNEW that you hated me the second it came out.

I apologized instantly.

Several times.

And you asked me to leave you alone. Just for today.

But when you say that, it means much more than that. It carries another message that punctures the bottom of my heart with each stab.

I hate you.

I hate you so much.

I will never.

Love.

You.

AGAIN.

I fear that when you stabbed me like that, from the bottom of my heart, that's where I kept all my love and hope.

Now I feel that I will never love anyone but you.

You took that poisonous feeling of joy and love from my heart and swallowed it from a silver goblet.

Like a sickening ritual.

And now, even in the holiest place on earth, I can't feel joy. I just think of you.

And what you did to me.

And what I did to you.

...

At the beginning, you told me you would ruin my life. As a warning.

I ignored the warning, because I thought you were too beautiful to do that.


I fear, my love, that I was wrong.

You ruined it, not in a bad way. You ruined my ability to love anyone else. You did that with your striking gorgeousness.

And I fear that it doesn't matter to you.


And that If you we're to ever read this, you'd just want to hit me.

But secretly I want you to hit me.

It would be physical contact.

That's all I want.

I want one of the sickening love stories where they go through the worst fights, and just end up cuddling and crying together.

Instead, we're crying separately. Apart. And a part of you stole a part of my heart. My God it hurts so bad.


I wish you didn't leave me.

And now I'll never get you back.

And that is my greatest fear.